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Before I begin let's get something straight, I haven't used LJ in a long time. In addition to that, not everything is the same as it was since last I had one. Things change I guess.
It's exhausting having to re-explain myself for the past year considering friends constantly exit and re-enter my life. So I'll do the best I can to elaborate what has happened around me for the past year or so.
From the begining:
May 2005.. I'll remember this month to be the start of it all. My family and I had a beautiful home, we had money, we had each other, we had a house on a lake with our own pool, we had humor. ...we had...
That month I had already turned 18, with little knowledge of why my parents always cried. Then suddenly we lost our home, our beautiful home that I lived in for 18 years. The home where I partied, the home where I first laid in bed with a girl, the home where I celebrated christmas every year by the staircase. A distant relative who's pushing 80 years of age swindled my parents out of our house and money. She soon sent us an eviction notice. We immediately put all our things in the warehouse for safe keeping. For the next 2 weeks I continued to live in that empty house with no furniture, no TV, nothing. ALL I had was a mattress on the floor of my room and a broken lamp next to it. The house was so empty I could hear myself echo throughout the hallway when I yawn. By the way for the last 2 weeks in that empty house there was a rat infestation. It was hard for me to sleep on the floor of empty house while hearing rats in the walls scratching away at the inside of the house. I had a few encounters with these rats so I spent a couple of nights at Mondo's house getting stoned every night on the roof until my graceful parents managed to rent a house in country walk not far from where we were living before.
With the little money we had we were barely getting by, still, my parents refused to tell me what happened, why it happened, how it happened.. just that it did happen. during this time I was trying to finish my senior year of high school, that was my main concern, that and smoking pot every other night. I was content. Nothing ever bothers me, ever. I inherit a poor quality from my father where I tend to hold in my emotions, bottle it up, and forget I ever had it. Like a smiling lifeless robot with no ambitions.
This had to be a horrible year when I look back on it now. I didn't go to prom or go to grad-night. I was always getting into minor trouble. My parents cried in secrecy from us, they fought afterwards. Money was still a problem. My dad was laid off from his job. The money problem grew worse. But I did my best to keep my idle mind from wondering about the issues. I had a lot of bad girlfriends, whether they're coke heads or cheerleaders, nymphos or idiots it was all the same. Most of the 15 girls I've dated treated me like dirt. People tend to walk all over me and I always let it happen, another trait I can thank my father for. I met one girl though who was surprisingly nice to me, she was different. So, me being the impulsive person that I am asked her out. She treated me so great, but oddly enough I was so used to girls treating me like crap that I wasn't used to a girlfriend being nice to me, I felt uncomfortable, so I broke up with her in december. She was one of the only girls THAT I broke up with. Do I regret it? I don't think about that.
I'm an idiot so what? This was the first time I screwed up with a relationship like that. I told myself from that day onward not to act on impulse.. she was the last girl I went out with. And that was exactly a year ago. I still have not found a girl that I feel for, or at least feel more for than the rest. I think that was the problem, with all the stress I really couldn't feel. I still don't. I'm hoping there's someone out there that can change that. We'll see..
In any case, that Feburary (2006) we lost that home as well. We had no money with little pace to go. My father and sister moved in with my douchebag uncle, my mother moved in with her friend Anna, and my brother with his fiance'. As for me.. well, I slept in that house for a few more nights by myself (again). And a random kid from my weight training class had randomly offered to give me a home. I lived there for 9 months so I could graduate from high school and get my car and be on my way. He was a nice kid. Until he threw all my belongings on the street and somewhat threatened me for no reason at all. Oh well, you can't always be right about someone. In which case, I have bad judgement. I place a lot of trust in people I barely know. But during this time my family and I are still considerably homeless. I barely ever saw my parents and sister, my brother sometimes.
After I finished high school I got my car. Finally.. 19 years old and I have reliable transportation. Soon after I got into Miami-dade and FIU and landed myself a job at the movie theatre. I cleaned up by then. I had now become part of a trend, they called it "staright-edge". Since when is this a f***ing trend? Well, in any case I would not go near pot, I would not touch it, I would not get in the car with it, I just wanted to stop and never assosiate myself with it again. There just isn't a point in doing it anymore. And now I look back and see all my friends that smoke weed and I must say they seem like the idealic advertisment for those truth commercials. Its as if they lost many, if not all brain cells along with long terms goals and independability. I do not want to be a part of that, which is why I only see them on a monthly basis. And everytime I do see them... they're stoned.
Currently I still work at the movie theatre, I recently got promoted to supervisor and in 2 weeks I have an interview for management. I'm still out of a home so I go back and forth spending nights at a friends' house or staying at my uncle's in broward. I can't afford college so I don't know how financial aid is going to fix that, if I drop out I'll die.
I've been single for a year and I haven't really put much thought about it until recently. I'm starting to think that every girl is either taken and ready for marriage or a freshman in high school. I can't help but think that maybe its me, maybe I'm doing something wrong, maybe I'm looking in the wrong places... just great.. I need this like I need a hole in my head. And now SUDDENLY its getting to me, I feel extremely down. Since last week I've been feeling this ultimate depression I've never felt before. I can't even ignore it anymore. And when I try to I get these sharp pains in the back of my head.
It's as if all those feelings that I bottled up these past 2 years filled up all the way to the top of the bottle and now.. it tipped over.
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loveshotsteve's journal
apathetic